There's a reason this blog is called "Brain Leaks". It's a term I've used for a long time- often referring to a word document on my computer where I just dump all of the shit in my brain. It helps clear it out- helps me process. I knew that going back to school I wouldn't have a ton of time to devote to the upkeep of strictly scheduled posts with set themes and ideas, but I still wanted a place to share with the world. I guess that's because it's 2016 and living in the Age of Social Media means we are only seen as the story we project.
Here's a relatively recent realization for you:
I am terrified of not living authentically and not being seen as a whole person*.
This is why I over-explain. I provide too much information. For example: I just poured half a glass of whiskey down the front of my shirt.
I don't do well with the "portrayed image" of my life or the "veil to hide behind". I don't brand myself with my Instagram- although I do my best to think of witty tweets that are almost always at least 95% true. And when I'm feeling vulnerable, when I'm in brew-mode (aka hide-under-the-covers-and-cry-that-life-is-not working-out-my-way mode), I post a myriad of cat photos. Because I do love my cats, and they are totally not controversial- at least until I post the tenth photo of the day- then please, feel free to scold me and send me to the corner.
So here are a few things that I'm actually thinking about, strictly pertaining to ME. Please allow me this Hannah Horvath moment. K Thanks.
1. Who are my people? I've actively defined who my people ARE NOT and that is half the battle. Hopefully I'm not at my halfway point in life, so by those calculationsI'm doing pretty good. Pat on the back. But seriously- not where are you, but how do I define you? Does it even matter? Probz not.
2. Does anyone ever accomplish their dreams? Who even knows what their dreams consist of at 25? Oh, literally every single person who graduated high school before 2006? Cool.
3. How the f*&% did I end up in New York? NO COMPLAINTS WHATSOEVER THIS IS AWESOME. And terrifying that all of my dreams can come true if I just figure out how to.... how to what? Apply myself? Work hard? Schmooze? Who has the answers????? OH NO ONE? COOL.
4. Will I ever figure out a wardrobe that doesn't make me look like a lost 12 year old? Or a hobo who wandered out of yoga and forgot where her apartment is only to aimless drift down the streets talking to herself about who will feed the cats??? See figure A for proof.
To combat all this pointless, pent up, anxiety, Lauren and I took a friend up on her offer to come visit her house in upstate New York. Like the movies, guys. "We went upstate for the weekend- it was so lush." HA! Here are some photos to prove it.
*I promise this is not some self-deprecating post seeking the praise and approval of everyone around me to live authentically. This is legitimately the shit that keeps me up at 2am.